Bottle O’ Love
by Katelyn North
Assistant are positioned on stage next to table with an assortment of “Bottle o’ Love” bottles eagerly awaiting
customers. The Christian is seated to the left of them calmly reading his Bible.
Brother 1 and
2 enter. They are fighting and making mean comments about one another. All ad lib. Salesman and Assistant see them coming
and give one another thumbs up. Salesman quickly steps in front of the brothers.
me, gentlemen, but it looks to me like you have a little problem. (brothers stop in mid punch and listen to him) Yes,
indeed - from the looks of things, it seems you have forgotten something very important. You two are brothers, but you don’t
have any brotherly love! (brothers shrug) Now, now, don’t get too upset… I have the solution for you right
here! (Assistant proudly holds up one of the bottles) It’s a brand new product. It’s been called wonderful,
it’s been called a miracle, but what we call it is “Bottle O’ Love”!
Brother 1: What
does it do?
Salesman: What does
it do? What does it DO??? Well, my dear friends, what it DOES it create inside you wonderful feelings of patience, kindness,
non-envyness, etc., etc., which all equal - LOVE. And all you must do it apply it like so and… (Assistant quickly
sprays the brothers) Viola!!! (Brothers look dazed, but begin smiling happily) And we’ll only charge you
$19.95 for this whole bottle! What a steal!
Brother 2 hands
the salesman the money, and both brothers walk off with their arms on each others shoulders. Once off, they freeze, suddenly
“wake-up”, and continue fighting one another. Meanwhile, the Christian is slightly watching this.
onstage from the same way the brothers entered talking on his cell phone angrily - ad-libbing. Salesman quickly steps in and
me, sir, but may I have a moment of your time?
No, I’m busy, OK! I don’t have time for anyone or anything!
Salesman: But sir!
My product will save you tons of time! (Businessman looks interested slightly) Have a little gander at what we call
“Bottle O’ Love”, and it’s just been improved. It helps you love people without actually having to
spend time putting effort into it! Looky here! (Assistant sprays Businessman, who suddenly looks very happy and “loving”)
And for you sir, the low, low price of…
Oh, this is wonderful! What a happy day! Here, take my whole wallet!!
wallet at the Salesman and walks off. The Salesman is greedily happy. The Businessman calls back the person he was talking
to as he walks off, apologizing. He snaps out of it, though, and begins talking angrily again as he exits.
This is B-E-A-Utiful! If we keep selling bottles like this, it won’t be long before we get ourselves a juicy bonus!
Assistant ad-lib a bit. The Hobo shuffles onto the stage the same way as they are talking. He quietly walks up to the table
and looks at the bottles. The Salesman tries to ignore him, until the Hobo speaks
O’… Love. I’ve always wanted love. (reaches for a bottle)
towards him and pushes him away to the left) What in tarnation are you doing? No one will buy this product if they now
some dirty hobo had his dirty hands on it!
Hobo looks sad,
but brightens as he holds two crumpled dollar bills out
Hobo: How much will
we don’t want your business! We have real people to sell this stuff to!
Pushes Hobo away
and returns to table. The Christian stands up from his bench, having had enough of this. He closes his Bible and walks to
I can help you, sir, if you don’t have anywhere to stay I’d be happy to find you a place. And I’d like to
talk to you for a while - I’m just going to lunch. How would you like to come with me? I’ll buy.
Hobo looks at
him surprised and happy. He follows the Christian to the right. The Salesman blinks in surprise and quickly stops the Christian.
excuse me sir! I’d like to, uh, introduce you to this wonderful product…
up hand) Oh no, no thank you sir. I’ve seen how much it costs and how long it lasted for your other customers over
there. As for me, I have God’s love. Unlike your product, God’s love is something that I know will last forever…
Maybe you should look into it. It’s free of charge, and really makes the difference.
Hands the Salesman
the Bible, and walks offstage. The Salesman is flabbergasted as the lights go off.