Command Unit Y
by Rex Hughes,
Core Value #7 : Rising Above Mediocrity
Excellence Honors God
Private Will Fare
4 Camouflage Jackets/Shirts
* ; #1-3
1 Marines/Camouflage Hat
1 Pair of Sunglasses
1 Bean Bag Chair
1 Remote Control
1 Game Boy
1 CD Player
1 Dress Uniform
1 Admiral Hat
Lights on. We
find three soldiers sitting on stage. One is in a bean bag chair facing the TV, flipping through the channels. Another is
leaning on one side of the TV, playing his game boy, and the third is head banging to his CD player.
Private LaBum: Rats!
There’s nothing on TV. Hey Slouch!
with the Game Boy does not look his way.
Private LaBum: Pass
me that TV Guide will ya?
picks up the Guide and tosses it to his left, over LaBum. LaBum reaches into the air for it and it falls behind him. He just
looks at it sullenly. Will Fare continues banging his head and sings the lyrics to the Switchfoot song out loud.
Private Fare: (singing)
I Dare you to Move… I Dare you to Move…! I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!
Private LaBum: Ha!
Easy for you to say. (he
continues to sulk over the guide, then turns around)
to flip the channels. Enter stage left, Sergeant Perspiration. He looks on the soldiers with displeasure and walks up to them
with his hands behind his back. He takes a deep breath while they remain unaware of him.
Sergeant: (loud) On your feet, maggots! Hut one, hut two, hut THREE!
LaBum jumps in
his bean bag and falls back into it. He flops around, trying to get out of the comfy chair and to his feet. Every time he
gets up, he falls back quickly. Sergeant P rolls his eyes. He finally gets to
his feet and raises his left hand to attention, which has the remote in it.
Private LaBum: Yes
Sir! (realizes he has the
remote in his hands and tosses it to the side; raises salute again and smirks innocently)
Sergeant P walks
up to him and glares him in the face.
Sergeant: Are you
smirking at me, Private LaBum!?
LaBum: Yes.. I mean,
No, sir! No!
control his smirking and eminent laughter.
Sergeant: How about
a cut in rations, Private LaBum? Is that something to laugh about!?
LaBum: No, Sergeant
Sergeant: I didn’t
think so! (turns to face the others)
his salute and holds his smirk. Sergeant P walks to stage left towards Private Fare, tripping over the bean bag. LaBum clasps
his hand over his mouth and can barely contain his laughter. Sergeant P adjusts himself and glares back at him. LaBum stands
erect and salutes quickly.
Sergeant P bends
down to the head banging Fare. He glares him in the face.
Sergeant: On your
Private Fare: (singing DC Talk)
What if I stumble? What if I fall…
be wishing you hadn’t in the sand pit!
Private Fare: (singing Third Day)
You are so good to me..
Sergeant: I don’t
show partiality, Private Will Fare…!
He leans too
close into his face, gets hit by Fare’s banging head, and steps back in a slight daze. He growls and grabs Private Fare’s
jacket, leading him to stage right with Private LaBum.
Private Fare: (now aware of outside forces)
Hey! What’d I do, sir? What’d I do!?
Sergeant P tosses
him beside LaBum. He now turns to Private Slouch, playing his game boy. He raises his arms in victory and shouts out.
YAHOO! I just got an extra life!
better hope so, Private Slouch!
yelps and jumps to his feet, standing in line with the other two. They all raise their left hands in salute.
All switch to
their right and salute.
Sergeant: Now, what
is the meaning of not showing up to Recruit Training!? Do you want to be marines!?
All: Yes, Drill
Sergeant: Do you
want to make it any harder!?
All: No, Drill Sergeant
Sergeant: (run together)
look to each other in confusion.
All: Maybe, Drill
Sergeant: Then consider
yourselves lucky! Get down and give me 20!
fall to the floor and try to do push ups, which end up in a comical mess as they strain themselves trying to do one. They
all fall to the floor after trying, wheezing.
Private Fare: Please!
Sergeant: On your
Do we have to..?
All jump to their
feet on his command. He surveys them critically as he speaks.
Sergeant: I have
never seen in all my days such sorry excuses for recruits!
Private LaBum: So
you’re younger than we thought…?
LaBum! You boys have just earned yourself an extra 5 laps around the base tomorrow!
are no why’s in training, boy!
Private Fare: Why?
Sergeant: (flabbergasted) I wonder what the Admiral would say if he were here
All: Sorry, Sir!
Sergeant: You will
be if you don’t pull your act together before he gets here in an hour!
Right away sir!
Sergeant: Right! (turns and exits stage
Private LaBum: Oh
man! The Admiral’s coming! We’re doomed!
Private Fare: We’re
running out of time! Let’s get back to work!
They all walk
stage left quickly, lead by Private Will Fare, who has his ear phones still on. He accidentally bumps them, turning them on.
He begins banging his head again. He stops in his tracks suddenly, causing the other two to bump into him.
Hey! Why’d we stop?
Private Fare: (singing Reliant K)
‘Cause I struggle with forward motion.. I struggle with forward motion..
Private LaBum: Wait!
We can’t quit here! The Admiral’s coming!
begins to slightly turn away towards stage right.
Private LaBum: We
won’t be caught sitting down on the job! We are gonna pull together and go for excellence!
walks towards his game boy and sits against the TV again.
Private LaBum: Now…
Who’s with me?
save the sounds of Slouch’s Game boy. LaBum looks around himself and shrugs. He lays back down in his bean bag chair.
We get the idea of time lapsing.
P stage left once more. He looks on them with distaste.
to attention, men!
All remain in
their spots. Sergeant P shakes his head and allows the Admiral to pass.
Admiral: Good afternoon,
All look up and
see it’s the Admiral. They leap to their feet and return to their previous spots.
They all stand
beside one another and salute with the left, then the right, then both, having forgotten which. The Admiral walks up to them.
Admiral: At ease,
gentlemen, at ease.
They all remain
means you can lower your salute.
Private LaBum: We’re
sorry sir! We aren’t usually like this!
Admiral: I wanted
to let you know that I’ve been watching your activity for the past two hours..
Private LaBum: (cutting off) Did I say we aren’t? I meant we are, aren‘t we
(both nod and mumble agreement)
Admiral: Men, would
you mind telling me why you have not heeded Sergeant Perspiration’s orders and have refused to do your duty as soldiers?
Well, you see sir, we’re coming down with something..
Private Fare: Yeah.
Yeah, that’s it.
Admiral: Ah, I see.
A bad case of couch potato-itis.
Yeah. Something like that.
Admiral: Men, when
you joined the recruits, did you ever dream of sitting around and flipping channels all day, or playing video games, or rocking?
All shake their
Private Fare: No,
I wanted to be a battalion commander.
I wanted to be a part of intelligence.
Private LaBum: Video
Admiral: Now you
see, all of these things you can be, but it will take patience, hard work, and devotion. I myself was tempted to go the easy
way out, but I decided instead to be all I could be.
Private LaBum: But
it’s too hard to be a Private! Why can’t we just have the position we want now?
Admiral: I have
the power to give you these ranks, but first I must see that you will honor such positions and do the best job that you can.
Excellence not only honors me, but it also is a beacon for those who wish to attain it. So you have to make a choice. Will
you lie down on the job, or will you get out there and do what you were made for? Understood?
Admiral: (salutes) Good. Dismissed!
Admiral and Sergeant
P walk offstage left. Privates walk offstage right. Private LaBum realizes he has the remote in his hand as he begins to walk
away with them. He smirks and tosses the remote behind him, into the bean bag chair. Exit.