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Command Unit Y

Stage Right                                 Stage Center                             Stage Left

Command Unit Y

by Rex Hughes, II


Core Value #7 : Rising Above Mediocrity

Excellence Honors God

Matthew 5:16



Ÿ         Sergeant Perspiration                               *                                             

Ÿ         Private LaBum                                             #1                                          

Ÿ         Private Slouch                                             #2                                          

Ÿ         Private Will Fare                                        #3                                          

Ÿ         The Admiral                                 **



Ÿ         4 Camouflage Jackets/Shirts                   * ;  #1-3

Ÿ         1 Marines/Camouflage Hat                       *

Ÿ         1 Pair of Sunglasses                                  *

Ÿ         1 Bean Bag Chair                                       #1

Ÿ         1 Remote Control                                        #1

Ÿ         1 Game Boy                                                  #2

Ÿ         1 CD Player                                                  #3

Ÿ         1 Dress Uniform                                          **

Ÿ         1 Admiral Hat                                              **




Lights on. We find three soldiers sitting on stage. One is in a bean bag chair facing the TV, flipping through the channels. Another is leaning on one side of the TV, playing his game boy, and the third is head banging to his CD player.


Private LaBum: Rats! There’s nothing on TV. Hey Slouch!


Private Slouch with the Game Boy does not look his way.


Private LaBum: Pass me that TV Guide will ya?


Private Slouch picks up the Guide and tosses it to his left, over LaBum. LaBum reaches into the air for it and it falls behind him. He just looks at it sullenly. Will Fare continues banging his head and sings the lyrics to the Switchfoot song out loud.


Private Fare:     (singing)          I Dare you to Move… I Dare you to Move…! I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!


Private LaBum: Ha! Easy for you to say.           (he continues to sulk over the guide, then turns around)                   Oh well.


LaBum continues to flip the channels. Enter stage left, Sergeant Perspiration. He looks on the soldiers with displeasure and walks up to them with his hands behind his back. He takes a deep breath while they remain unaware of him.


Sergeant:          (loud)   On your feet, maggots! Hut one, hut two, hut THREE!


LaBum jumps in his bean bag and falls back into it. He flops around, trying to get out of the comfy chair and to his feet. Every time he gets up, he falls back quickly. Sergeant P rolls his eyes. He finally gets to his feet and raises his left hand to attention, which has the remote in it.


Private LaBum: Yes Sir!           (realizes he has the remote in his hands and tosses it to the side; raises salute again and smirks innocently)


Sergeant P walks up to him and glares him in the face.


Sergeant: Are you smirking at me, Private LaBum!?


LaBum: Yes.. I mean, No, sir! No!


LaBum can’t control his smirking and eminent laughter.


Sergeant: How about a cut in rations, Private LaBum? Is that something to laugh about!?


LaBum: No, Sergeant Perspiration, sir!

Sergeant: I didn’t think so!        (turns to face the others)


LaBum lowers his salute and holds his smirk. Sergeant P walks to stage left towards Private Fare, tripping over the bean bag. LaBum clasps his hand over his mouth and can barely contain his laughter. Sergeant P adjusts himself and glares back at him. LaBum stands erect and salutes quickly.


Sergeant P bends down to the head banging Fare. He glares him in the face.


Sergeant: On your feet, soldier!


Private Fare:     (singing DC Talk)       What if I stumble? What if I fall


Sergeant: You’ll be wishing you hadn’t in the sand pit!


Private Fare:     (singing Third Day)     You are so good to me..


Sergeant: I don’t show partiality, Private Will Fare…!

He leans too close into his face, gets hit by Fare’s banging head, and steps back in a slight daze. He growls and grabs Private Fare’s jacket, leading him to stage right with Private LaBum.


Private Fare:     (now aware of outside forces)                        Hey! What’d I do, sir? What’d I do!?


Sergeant P tosses him beside LaBum. He now turns to Private Slouch, playing his game boy. He raises his arms in victory and shouts out.


Private Slouch: YAHOO! I just got an extra life!


Sergeant: You’d better hope so, Private Slouch!


Private Slouch yelps and jumps to his feet, standing in line with the other two. They all raise their left hands in salute.


Sergeant: Other hand!


All switch to their right and salute.


Sergeant: Now, what is the meaning of not showing up to Recruit Training!? Do you want to be marines!?


All: Yes, Drill Sergeant Sir!


Sergeant: Do you want to make it any harder!?


All: No, Drill Sergeant Sir!


Sergeant: (run together) Doyouwanttoseemeblowmytop!?



The Privates look to each other in confusion.


All: Maybe, Drill Sergeant Sir!


Sergeant: Then consider yourselves lucky! Get down and give me 20!


The Privates fall to the floor and try to do push ups, which end up in a comical mess as they strain themselves trying to do one. They all fall to the floor after trying, wheezing.


Private Fare: Please! No more!


Sergeant: On your feet, ladies!


Private Slouch: Do we have to..?


Sergeant: (cutting off)              NOW!


All jump to their feet on his command. He surveys them critically as he speaks.


Sergeant: I have never seen in all my days such sorry excuses for recruits!


Private LaBum: So you’re younger than we thought…?


Sergeant: Silence, LaBum! You boys have just earned yourself an extra 5 laps around the base tomorrow!


Private Slouch: Why?


Sergeant: There are no why’s in training, boy!


Private Fare: Why?


Sergeant:          (flabbergasted)            I wonder what the Admiral would say if he were here now!


All: Sorry, Sir!


Sergeant: You will be if you don’t pull your act together before he gets here in an hour!


All: (frightened)           Right away sir!


Sergeant: Right!            (turns and exits stage left)


Private LaBum: Oh man! The Admiral’s coming! We’re doomed!


Private Slouch: We’re ruined!


Private Fare: We’re running out of time! Let’s get back to work!


They all walk stage left quickly, lead by Private Will Fare, who has his ear phones still on. He accidentally bumps them, turning them on. He begins banging his head again. He stops in his tracks suddenly, causing the other two to bump into him.


Private Slouch: Hey! Why’d we stop?


Private Fare:     (singing Reliant K)      ‘Cause I struggle with forward motion.. I struggle with forward motion..


Private LaBum: Wait! We can’t quit here! The Admiral’s coming!


Private Slouch begins to slightly turn away towards stage right.


Private LaBum: We won’t be caught sitting down on the job! We are gonna pull together and go for excellence!


Private Slouch walks towards his game boy and sits against the TV again.


Private LaBum: Now… Who’s with me?


Utter silence save the sounds of Slouch’s Game boy. LaBum looks around himself and shrugs. He lays back down in his bean bag chair. We get the idea of time lapsing.


Enter Sergeant P stage left once more. He looks on them with distaste.


Sergeant: Stand to attention, men!


All remain in their spots. Sergeant P shakes his head and allows the Admiral to pass.


Admiral: Good afternoon, men!


All look up and see it’s the Admiral. They leap to their feet and return to their previous spots.


Private Slouch: Oh geez!


They all stand beside one another and salute with the left, then the right, then both, having forgotten which. The Admiral walks up to them.


Admiral: At ease, gentlemen, at ease.


They all remain saluting.


Admiral: …which means you can lower your salute.                   (they lower)


Private LaBum: We’re sorry sir! We aren’t usually like this!


Admiral: I wanted to let you know that I’ve been watching your activity for the past two hours..


Private LaBum:             (cutting off)     Did I say we aren’t? I meant we are, aren‘t we guys?                           (both nod and mumble agreement)


Admiral: Men, would you mind telling me why you have not heeded Sergeant Perspiration’s orders and have refused to do your duty as soldiers?


Private Slouch: Well, you see sir, we’re coming down with something..


Private Fare: Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.


Admiral: Ah, I see. A bad case of couch potato-itis.


Private Slouch: Yeah. Something like that.


Admiral: Men, when you joined the recruits, did you ever dream of sitting around and flipping channels all day, or playing video games, or rocking?


All shake their heads.


Private Fare: No, I wanted to be a battalion commander.


Private Slouch: I wanted to be a part of intelligence.


Private LaBum: Video Surveillance chief.


Admiral: Now you see, all of these things you can be, but it will take patience, hard work, and devotion. I myself was tempted to go the easy way out, but I decided instead to be all I could be.


Private LaBum: But it’s too hard to be a Private! Why can’t we just have the position we want now?


Admiral: I have the power to give you these ranks, but first I must see that you will honor such positions and do the best job that you can. Excellence not only honors me, but it also is a beacon for those who wish to attain it. So you have to make a choice. Will you lie down on the job, or will you get out there and do what you were made for? Understood?


All:       (salute)            Yes sir!


Admiral: (salutes)         Good. Dismissed!


Admiral and Sergeant P walk offstage left. Privates walk offstage right. Private LaBum realizes he has the remote in his hand as he begins to walk away with them. He smirks and tosses the remote behind him, into the bean bag chair. Exit.