Nativity Without Jesus
By Justyn Walker
Revised by Katelyn North
Giant Cotton Ball
The set is a
small nativity scene with ornaments as characters. Joseph and Mary are next to the manger and all the others characters, save
the wise man and soldiers, are in unusual nativity places. The stage is frozen for a few seconds and then unfreezes with all
the characters coughing, sneezing, and wheezing. Players hit their clothing to remove the dust (baby powder).
Shepherd: It must
be Christmas again.
be grateful we’re out of that box.
Mary: We could use
a good vacuuming.
even joke about that. I’ve lost three sheep that way.
to Mary) Oh, you’ve got some… (takes some tinsel out of hair)
Oh! You just can’t get rid of this stuff.
Wise man enters
with plastic wrap around his arm. He keeps looking at someone as if he’s being pushed into position.
Wise Man: Alright,
alright, quit shoving, quit shoving! You’ve got an injured man here! (Grumbles) I don’t believe this…
wrong with you?
to arm) They broke me!
head) Not again…
to reveal she has a wing missing) Join the club.
Joseph: Well you
don’t have to complain so loudly about it.
Wiseman: Hey, I’m
as human as the next ornament.
Mary: That doesn’t
even make sense.
Wiseman: Hey, who’s
the wise man around here?
Joseph: OK, listen
guys. The set may not be as complete as when it was new, and a few of us have been dropped or stepped on or vacuumed up over
the years, but we all make certain sacrifices in the name of Christmas regardless of what oversights and minor inadequacies
the humans might subject us to.
inadequacies!? Take a look at this! (lifts up a wad of cotton wool with pipe cleaner legs) Does this look like a sheep
to you? Because I’ve only been a shepherd for 18 years, so I can’t tell a sheep from a piece of cotton wool glued
to a couple of pipe cleaners!
Angel: If you ask
me, someone out there’s got a few sheep loose in the top paddock, if you know what I mean…
Wiseman: You think
that’s bad? Look what I have to put up with! (blows whistle and two plastic soldiers with gift boxes stuck on the
ends of their rifles march in) Marines!
and Myrrh reporting as ordered, sir!
Joseph: You have
got to be kidding.
Mary: What happened
to the other wise men?
Soldier 1: They
bought it at the battle of Clementine, ma’am.
Soldier 2: Golden
retriever, ma’am. It wasn’t a pretty sight.
Joseph: So you are
the wise man replacements?
Joseph: Well, you
should stand here, and you over here next to him… Try to look inconspicuous. (pauses and looks around Nativity)
OK, wise men times three, Mary, and Joseph… that’s me… Angel, shepherd, barn animals…aren’t
we forgetting someone here?
Angel: I don’t
Shepherd: This mule
looks like a giraffe.
Mary: At least there’s
no Lego this year.
I’m surprised Barbie and Ken couldn’t make it.
offstage) Speaking of weird ornaments, what do you make of him?
Shepherd: Oh yeah,
I can see occasion for a three hundred pound guy in a red fur coat to be scooting around in the Judean desert in a chariot
with no wheels. Like that’s gonna happen…
really reaching with this one.
offstage) Rudolf the red nosed Reindeer… What’s a reindeer?
Shepherd: I have
Mary: You know,
I hardly even recognize Christmas anymore.
(Mary looks down)
Wiseman: Oh, this
Angel: You can’t
celebrate Christmas without Jesus!
it! I’ve been fed to hamsters, I spent six months behind the stereo cabinet and two years ago they dressed me up in
a tutu- but this time they’ve gone too far! No Jesus, no Christmas! Everyone back in the box!
up sheep) Come on, let’s go.
manger and stomps offstage) I’ve never been so outraged in my life!
alright honey, we’re leaving. (exits)
Soldiers: Yes sir!
taking the gold with us!
Soldiers: Aye aye
sir! (grab gold and march off)
Imagine people celebrating Christmas and forgetting about Jesus. I bet this doesn’t happen anywhere else.
Wiseman: Of course
Angel: Just my luck.
Wiseman: You haven’t
seen a star anywhere around here, have you?